The Art of the Apology―Why Apologies Serve as a Key Metric for Our Personal Growth (Valentine’s Edition 💗)

A few years ago, I lost my temper with my adolescent son at a family party. I knew almost immediately that I had handled it poorly. And to make matters worse, my wife and daughter were also there to witness it, making my son feel small and exposed in front of the people who matter most to him.

It’s one thing to be taken to the proverbial woodshed in private; it’s another thing entirely to endure it publicly.

As the heat of the moment passed, I began to reflect on how disproportionate my reaction had been to my son’s transgression and to the situation in general. Even as my Thoughtful Self pulled me toward accountability, my Instinctual Self was pulling just as hard in the opposite direction — rapidly building a case to protect my ego.

You’ve had a brutal week.

He needs to learn.

The world won’t be soft on him.

You’re his father—you’re allowed to be firm.

It wasn’t that bad.

Everyone’s being too sensitive.

Ugh.

Our Instinctual Self’s PR machine can be compelling.  And if I’m being honest, part of me just wanted to let it go and move on―maybe everyone would forget―as if that ever happens. And if I let that narrative take hold, I would slowly drift back toward self-righteousness―so subtly that I might not even notice it happening.

In the end, I had to make a choice about who I was going to listen to: my ego’s convincing sales pitch or my values. I reminded myself that as a parent, I am always modeling behavior for my children—whether I intend to or not. If I wanted them to take responsibility when they are wrong, I would need to do the same.

I decided that not only would I apologize, but I would do so in front of the others who had witnessed the original exchange. While my ego screamed in protest, it slowly receded, allowing my Thoughtful Self to take the helm. “I’m sorry, son. I love you, and I overreacted. I want to do better, and I will work on it. Will you forgive me? Can I get a hug?”

As I moved on from that event, I came to appreciate something deeper.

Apologies are not just simple acts of contrition; they are perhaps one of the most consistent barometers of our self-awareness and personal growth—quiet, everyday tests of whether we can pause long enough to choose our values over our ego, our intentions over our instincts.

Why Genuine Apologies Accelerate Our Growth

First, let’s establish what makes a genuine apology, which may be easier to do by first noting where apologies often go awry. Genuine apologies arrive without trying to interject one’s own view of reality (e.g., “I’m sorry you felt that way,” or “I know you tend to be sensitive about that”). They also arrive without qualification—the subtle “but” that finds its way in at the end of the sentence (e.g., “I am sorry I said that about your friend… but you know how I feel about them.”).

A genuine apology tends to include the following elements:

• Culpability – Taking responsibility for one’s actions

• Remorse/Regret – I genuinely wish I could change it

• Impact Acknowledgement – I understand how it affected you (and others)

• Explanation without Excusing – These factors contributed to my mistake

• Desire to Prevent Recurrence – Here’s how I intend to prevent this in the future

• Willingness to Make Amends – I’m asking for your forgiveness and what I can do to make it right

When we consistently find our way to genuine apologies, we practice a discipline that compounds over time, shifting control from our Instinctual Self back to our values—allowing connection and repair to take place. This process accelerates personal growth and deepens our awareness, making it easier to react differently next time. We simply learn to pause long enough to activate different response pathways, more fully aligned with who we want to be.

Tips to Maintain Perspective and Drive Awareness

The obvious challenge for most of us when it comes to apologies is that, these situations tend to be heated and emotional, and thus our responses are often spontaneous and reactive. We know that when things seem to be moving quickly and charged with emotion, our action-oriented Instinctual Self is usually at the helm. So how do we think more clearly in the middle of what might feel like a World Wrestling Federation battle royale?

We’ll close with five ways to maintain perspective and promote awareness, especially when the going gets tough:

1. Take a Time-Out – Try to develop a habit or routine, slowly wiring in a new neural pathway, when you feel things are becoming heated. “It feels like tempers are starting to rise here—I may need a few minutes to slow down my thoughts and think more clearly. Can we agree to table this discussion for some period of time so we can think about how it might be handled more constructively?”

   
   

2. Think Long Term – As conversations veer toward conflict, try to reconnect yourself to the long-term outcome you desire in this relationship or situation. Where do I/we want this to go? Is this conversation taking us there or should I consider moving things in a direction that is more productive and supportive of my goals here?

   
   

3. Remember Someone’s "Body of Work" – Often times when we experience surface level conflict, we fail to remember this person’s body of work in our relationship. In other words, what have they brought to our life? Have they been a positive force in our life at times—supporting us, caring for us, picking us up, or helping us? These people should have more currency with us than a stranger or acquaintance. Why would we not want to give them their moment of frustration or the benefit of the doubt?

   
   

4. Choose to Lead – Life has its moments. There will be mistakes, challenges, hard times, and misunderstandings. There are no guarantees others will choose to take the high road. However, the high road remains ours for the taking, and in taking it we often find ourselves leading others there. If you recognize an exchange is not going in the direction you’d like, even if it is primarily driven by another, why not be the leader―striving to foster reconnection and repair?

   
   

5. Reconnect to Your Intentions or the Collective Intent – In moments of stress and tension, try to connect back to the intentions you have for yourself. What would that aspirational self of yours do in the situation you currently find yourself in? This has a way of transcending a ‘tit for tat’ mentality and transforming it into a deeper, more thoughtful response.

Apologizing is a practice that promotes self-awareness and accelerates personal growth. Yes, we will get it wrong sometimes, but we’ll likely have another opportunity sooner than we expect. Will you be ready to make the most of it?